真情流露不出来

今年看了快200部电影和一堆脱口秀专场,我需要社交。(不需要吗?需要吗?不需要吗?需要吗?)

重新喜欢上 James Franco。当年 Comedy Central 他做主咖的那场 Roast 最经典的段子:别的好莱坞演员接片原则一般是 “one for you, one for me,” 而 James Franco 是 “one for you, ten for nobody.” 直到 The Disaster Artist. 虽然他亲弟弟 Dave 在里面的表演让人抓狂,但是片子太可爱了,James Franco 太可爱了!!听了他在 NPR 的专访,懒洋洋又顽皮。以作品产出来看,他应该是很努力的,但就是给人懒洋洋的感觉,当然是不是经常 stoned 也不知道。

以我高龄还加了新的字幕组,翻了一集 Curb Your Enthusiasm, 满足,给我一丝安慰。几年前下的资源是生肉,没想到过了这么久才刚有人做。Larry David 有我很喜欢的风格,也写过一点感受

“他在 stand-up 场子里指称自己的观众为 ‘you people’(你们这些人呐……),主动拉开距离,制造对立,把自己放在一个旁的地方。你可以轻易察觉到他的优越感,冷眼看穿——他嫌弃观众。但是你不会讨厌他,因为他更嫌弃他自己。相比于观众的存在,他更为自己的存在而尴尬——他甚至想一跑了之。”

很喜欢看一个叫 Charlie 的小朋友的游记,细节一个一个回忆,人物和对话不是流水一样就过去了,而是重现,跃然纸上。这样形式的记录令人惊喜地有趣。我很少写下来和人的交流。跟不喜欢的人,I want to escape the moment. 跟喜欢的人,the moment seizes us. 快乐时光的细节模糊,感觉清晰。

写自己不写别人,也是一种个人主义的逃避。

Today the individual has become the highest form and the greatest bane of artistic creation. The smallest wound or pain of the ego is examined under a microscope as if it were of eternal importance. The artist considers his isolation, his subjectivity, his individualism almost holy. Thus we finally gather in one large pen, where we stand and bleat about our loneliness without listening to each other and without realizing that we are smothering each other to death. The individualists stare into each other’s eyes and yet deny the existence of each other. (Ingmar Bergman)

心态上没那么年轻了。开始更欣赏有生命力的东西,生命力让我激动。为 BPM 和  Endless Poetry 这样的片子发狂,垂死的生命力,心脏鼓胀饱满欲裂,看完我想绕场 30 周。更痛恨陈腐、作态。不再抵触和年轻人交朋友。想要表现出积极而未果,除了偶尔表演欲较强的时候。还会受到理想主义煽动,我精神上还没完。

回到城市生活,被笼罩被裹挟,需要一段时间找到感觉,找到我。离开之前我就知道一定会怀念的是在小路上开车,就像当初离开武汉就怀念在东湖边走路一样。一个人或快或慢的空间移动,有这么多情感附加,和环境背景脱离的感觉让人上瘾。

卖车的时候,眼看 dealer 开走,忽然觉得我的车可真棒啊,怎么就贱卖了。贬值带来丧气。快走了的时候,觉得自己的口语仿佛又好了些,和人相处又自在了些。徒劳带来丧气。但这些都无所谓,都是一忽儿的事情。奥巴马说得好(???): “… if you’re worrying about yourself — if you’re thinking: ‘Am I succeeding? Am I in the right position? Am I being appreciated?’ — then you’re going to end up feeling frustrated and stuck. But if you can keep it about the work, you’ll always have a path. There’s always something to be done.”

我能回想起的无忧无虑的快乐在十八岁有一次。和好朋友并排躺着聊到深夜,幸福,但一种哀伤也浮上心头,因为我那时知道像这样的时光以后恐怕难有了。所以也并不是真的无忧无虑的快乐。小时候躺在床上想到,将来长大要工作成家,吓得蒙着被子哭。我现在要哭,已经没有这张被子了。

昨晚想了很多要写的话,今天全忘了。

祝您幸福,我随意。

Reading Response to Zoo Story

去年上半年的阅读作业,关于很喜欢的一本非虚构故事。没有改语病,一下子瞧不出来,细究起来要调整的又太多,就这样吧……

1/2

A lot of animal stories share something in common – writers make great efforts to personify the animals in an artistic way, attaching human values and emotions to the characters. It would no doubt add to the enjoyment of reading fiction; for non-fiction, however, writers need to think twice before doing so because readers might raise questions regarding the truthfulness of the story.

Fortunately, French is such an excellent writer that he gave a vivid description of a series of animal characters without over-interpretation. Most of the time he appeared as an observer and listener, being meticulous at interpreting what he saw and heard.

I appreciate the way French presented the major dilemma in this story, which is whether animals should stay in the zoo. He didn’t simply put the zoo staff on the opposite side to the animal rights groups; instead, he showed us how they “confronted this paradox every day.” The internal struggle is based on both their belief that the freedom in the wild is a myth, “a human invention,” and their feeling of “a guilty conscience” – “holding living creatures captive.”

No one would neglect Herman’s story. He is a paradox. He is the alpha male and a marginalized figure at the same time. He is a chimp by nature and a semi-human by nurture. He reminded me of people with self-identification problems, living in a community that couldn’t provide a sense of belonging. French used Herman as a typical example to show how the surroundings affect a creature’s life.

The settings kept changing, Swaziland, Boeing 747, Lowry Park, Schultz’s house, etc., and the storyline jumped back and forth. The elephant story was put aside from time to time so we could meet various interesting animals and learn the history of Lowry Park. I’m expecting to read more about how the elephants were doing in the second half of the book, wondering if Enshalla successfully got pregnant, and worrying about the further reaction of animal rights organizations.

At the beginning of Chapter 5, French played a trick. He wrote about the king and the queen of Lowry Park without identifying their names or species. I couldn’t help but started to guess whom he was talking about.  It turned out to be Herman and Enshalla, whom I’d already read about in the previous chapters. French first let us know their status quo and came back later to reveal how they grew up to be who they are. It feels just like the process of getting to know someone, starting with the first impression, then enriched with childhood experience and life stories.

I really enjoyed reading about the relationship between the animals and the zoo staff. The relationship appears in a mixture of tutorship, friendship, and kinship, sometimes even attraction. The keepers described Enshalla as “a mean little cuss” and Candy the tamarin “a little bitchy” with no malice. The notion of “a closet bunnyhugger” is so hilarious and it reminds me of that kind of people who never say the word “love” but their tenderness has given them away.

French didn’t shy away from writing about the realistic situation both the animals and people were faced with. For example, Enshalla and Eric’s mating drew so much attention partly because Lowry Park needed tiger cubs so badly to boost the box office. French would like readers to understand that the relationship between human beings and animals is driven by love, but not love alone.

2/2

I didn’t expect that the second half was going to be so dramatic – full of deaths, escapes, and downfalls.

French wrote about many deaths in his book, and to me, Herman’s was the most shocking one. He was betrayed, although I am not even sure whether the idea of betrayal exists in the world of chimps. I couldn’t hold my tears while reading the most heartbreaking scene when old Ed Schultz went to see Herman for the last time. Ed, ninety-one years old, told Herman that “the two of them would soon be united on the other side.” I like the way that French kept the scene short and not sensational. He just told us what Ed did and said as opposed to describing in detail how sorrowful he looked like.

French sounded sarcastic sometimes when he showed us that human beings, especially the upper-class members, behave just like animals. The Karamu gala looked like a circus show from French’s depiction – “the spotlight turned to the ruling species,” “the human exhibit, in full display.” Gorgeous women presented themselves as female beasts in a mating dance. Successful men showed off their power like alphas, claiming their ownership of women.

He didn’t miss a chance to mock the celebrities. Conan the talk show host chatted with a blonde woman in the middle of his “preshow fugue state,” which was a display of “the prerogative of the alpha,” according to French. Human behaviors are purposeful in a way while intuitive in another. Every action elaborately designed is just another display of man’s primitive desire. It feels absurd if we look at the human society through that lens. But in a sense it’s true. Like French said, “These were primates, after all.”

French showed his empathy when writing about animals that behaved like human beings. In contrast, he was being harsh and sarcastic when he believed some people behaved just like animals.

Human hubris didn’t work out fine in the second half of the book. Lex underestimated the patas monkeys’ ability to swim, and then overestimated human’s ability to capture the smart creatures. He had the ambitions to arrange and rearrange the natural world, which French called the “illusion of wildness.”

Compared with Lex as “Noah incarnate,” Kevin the keeper was more sober and humble when he had to decide which species to save, asking himself if it was right to “play God.” The Reillys were even more aware of the inability of human beings when faced with the power of nature, saying “nature plays no favorites.” So were the keepers who failed to save the argus pheasant chick from death, which was just “another turn of nature’s wheel.”

Lex’ duality was as impressive as Herman’s. “He was both creator and destroyer;” his attitude towards animals was “a mixture of both childlike wonder and ravenous lust.” I don’t think French blamed Lex for all what happened to Lowry Zoo. The title of chapter 17 is “Cull”, suggesting that Lex was also a victim living in a hostile environment.

I feel that French more or less agreed with the opinion that there’s no freedom, no balance, or even no laws in the world of animals. It’s more chaotic and subtle than we could imagine. The more we learned about nature, the more humble and self-aware we should be.

一切使我发狂

看/听了三遍 Superbad, 太喜欢了所以写进段子。

– Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine.

– McLovin. 

– …Never mind.

去年有段时间发狂怀念青春期到呼吸困难,后来症状缓解。这段影评看哭我,糟乱甜蜜哀伤:

What makes the film so appealing is the disconnect between what comes from the mouths of these hormone-addled pups and what’s going on in their heads, where they’re still clinging desperately to the innocence they’re leaving behind.

最近重听 George Carlin. 老头儿通透,偏激,所以带劲。我在微博上贴了几条他专场里的原话,批判的是美国,但是放在国内那几天很应景。只能用这种方法表达愤怒,我更加愤怒。

他跟 Jon Stewart 的这段访谈是第一次听,这里是否也在讲自由意志的骗局

You know, the luck stroke. Gotta have luck in this world. Part of it is your genetic makeup, that’s the luck. And then what you do is also partly genetic, because hard work is genetic. The desire to do hard work, the willingness to work hard and be determined and not be turned aside, that’s all genetic too. It can be altered to a little reinforcing.

有个模糊的印象,早前有朋友问我相不相信人有自由意志,我说当然啊,我的行为出于我的主观意愿。而提问的人持怀疑观点,是谁不记得了。我也早改变想法了。

这段记忆也可能是大脑的编排。就像前段时间我忽然觉得我原来有过笔友,但 TA 是男是女,哪里人,多大,怎么牵线的,毫无印象。感觉有多假,也就有多真。这个“笔友”在我的意识里影影绰绰,形迹可疑,如很多偶然冒出并侵扰我一时的记忆碎片。

都是生理过程。我还有长久的疑问:Is human brain capable of understanding how itself works?

回到文字以前,回到赤身露体,回到阿法南方古猿,回到猴儿,回到鸟兽鳖虫,回到大海,回到单细胞,回到有机汤,回到混沌,回到零,回到由大脑结构决定其不可能理解的形态。

需要重看电影获得安慰,Billy Lynn, Mad Max, Gone Girl. 在 Billy Lynn 看到几点原来没太在意的 cliché, 稍微理解了某些批评。比如结尾处 Billy 和姐姐道别后,回到车上和闪回的 Shroom 对话,完全是为了明确角色动机而制造,给 Billy 的抉择一个直白的理由,为此不惜掩去人物的脆弱、惶惑。我对这种一定要把话说明白的、压倒性的转折感到失望,为什么不让观众承受一些不确定性?太驯化、太好莱坞。Mad Max 的沉默是金。

去亚特兰大连看三场电影,The Square, BPM, Jane, 都太棒了。如今要不是在影院,很难沉下心对着电脑看非中英文的片子。The Square, BPM, 加上去年的 Toni Erdmann, 欧洲电影的高度文明和高度野蛮,一股沉重生猛的力量,让人真正激动起来。都有极其鲜明的段落,反复想起反复惊叹——人猿在晚宴,性爱在病床,父女在迪厅,仅用文字概述就可体现戏剧张力。需要承受陌生感和不愉悦才可能真正欣赏。因此更讨厌口味保守、温情脉脉的“高分”电影——太被喜欢的,让我想拒绝。比如最近口碑极好的 Lady Bird, 烂番茄 100%, 每个人看完都是泪汪汪笑眯眯,包括我。零风险,毫无冒犯性,回想起来无趣到发狂。

纪录片 Human Flow, Dawson City: Frozen Time, Jane. 没想到在小地方的影院还能看到艾未未的片子,关于全球难民潮。专家学者政客出现不多,主要是一个地区接一个、一拨人接一拨地呈现,穿插艾未未自己的身影。还没上映就被保守人士攻击,说他为流民、罪犯辩护。我觉得这是艾伟大的一面,作为一个人(当然他有团队),走访同样是人的“他者”的苦难。他自己在某种程度上是否也算流民?再次想起《花脸巴儿》《老妈蹄花》。没有体会过生存层面风险的人,如果因为有人拍出这样的影像而愤怒,差不多是肉食者鄙了。Dawson City 里面那些一百年前的影像,淘金的人抓着绳索爬雪山,一条线上的蚂蚱,雪崩过来埋掉一截,两头的人再把他们扒出来。动物一样地活着。同样是旧日影像重新发现,Jane 记录了 Jane Goodall 在非洲走入黑猩猩社群的探索过程。片子一开始我就想,这个随行摄影师一定喜欢她,她也一定不讨厌摄影师,因为镜头中的她自然细致而美。果然,两人后来是情侣和夫妻。想起去年读的 Zoo Story 和当时对动物性 vs 人性的思考

经典老片:在比赛日当天去看了 Dr. Stragelove, 厅里除了我只有一个人。几年前看的时候没充分体会里面的好,这次完全是爆笑。严肃活泼,库布里克伟大!去年在影院看《发条橙》,我对自己的反应很意外,没有了头两三次看的震惊和不适,取而代之是欣赏讽刺的愉悦,沉浸在一种 bouncy 的节奏感中,简直要怀疑我是不是变得 too sick to feel sick. 感恩节当晚看了黑色讽刺戏,也是一直想看的 Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? 成功中和掉一些温馨祥和的气氛。最早知道的是中文译名《灵欲春宵》,看过之后才知道故事本身和字面一样耸动。房东他爹提供了录像带,这是我头一回用录像带看电影。婚姻关系中的操纵游戏,玩到最后谁也离不开谁,因为只有他们俩明白游戏规则和退出的代价(所以我重温了 Gone Girl)。经历过五次婚姻、年逾八十的房东她爹说:这是我这辈子看过的最黑暗的电影。

电影以外的其他,更使我发狂。